


It's all my fault

by Notapsyhopath



Category: Star Wars
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, some blood, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 01:22:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6590953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notapsyhopath/pseuds/Notapsyhopath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A longer, three chapter angsty fic. I hope you like it, and if you have any suggestions or requests you can always comment :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

(Y/N) always loved flowers. Flowers and stars. She was one of the 20 padawans trained in Luke’s new temple, and loved her home too. But most of all, she loved Ben, her friend through all the ups and downs, through all the years, a shoulder to cry on, a person that she could tell all her secrets to, her Ben. They trained together since when Ben came to the temple, the day (Y/N) befriended him. Now they both had to admit they had something more than a friendship, and though technically it was a secret, everyone knew.  
It wasn’t always a good thing, people picked on her because of their relationship, and Ben had many enemies made along the years. Nobody ever tried to physically hurt her though, as they knew that Ben is absolutely unforgiving when it comes to his little (Y/N). She never really bothered listening to all the things people said about her though. When she was walking side by side with Ben, why would anything matter? What drove her crazy though was people picking on Ben. She would fight anyone, literally anyone if they hurt him. And she knew deep down in her heart he would do the same for her. 

“My best memory?” (Y/N) laughed, and lied back on the roof, gazing at the stars.  
“I’d have to say…….. I have too many to choose from.”  
“You have to choose one, that’s not an answer to my question!” Ben laughed too, and turned to look at her.  
“So why don’t you tell me yours while I think of mine?” she replied, her stare still fixed on the sky.  
“Now that I’m thinking about it, probably the day I came here.” Ben said, serious all of a sudden. “Yeah, I can’t think of a better memory.” he added after a short pause.  
“What? How come?” (Y/N) was confused. He always talked to her how he hated that day, how it was one of his worst memories ever. He would wake her up in the middle of the night sometimes, his eyes puffy and red, and he would only sit or lie beside her until he would open up and tell her that he had a nightmare about that day. She would patiently wait for him to finish speaking, and when he did she would pull him into a tight hug and she would whisper some reassuring words. The first time it happened she was five and he was six, and they went to see each other every time they had a nightmare since. Now they were fifteen and sixteen, and nothing has changed.  
“You see, I always hated that day because of two things - one, my parents abandoned me to live with my uncle to train me in using and controlling some scary Force I did not understand, and I was terrified. Two, I had that scary Force, and I could sense my parents being afraid of it, I thought it was something bad. But now that I actually started thinking about that day, and remember all that was bad in it, I also remember what happened after I landed here and my uncle greeted me.”  
(Y/N) furrowed her eyebrows.  
“What happened? That was so long ago”  
“I met this small, kind of annoying, feisty little girl that was just as lonely as me, and she totally started talking to me about fruit. And she spilled juice all over me later.”  
“Hey, I wasn’t that small! And I was four and just met that scary, dark haired boy who was looking at me as if I was crazy when I tried to have a conversation!” (Y/N) giggled and punched Ben’s shoulder playfully.  “But I did try to talk to you about fruit.” She turned to face him and looked deep into his dark eyes. She remembered now, it was the day they became best friends, the day she actually found someone she cared for. She never had a family, she was abandoned under the temple as a baby probably as soon as her parents found out she was force sensitive, where Luke found her and raised her along with other padawans.  
“So what is is?” Ben pressed. “Your best memory?”  
“You know that one time we sneaked outside of our rooms at night to stargaze as usual, and we decided that we could go to that field near the temple where you can see more stars? And there was this huge marsh that wasn’t there before, and we didn’t know that it was there and I ran straight into it and was sick-“  
“- and you had a high fever for 3 days and almost died? I was six! I thought I would never see you again! How is that even a good memory?” Ben cut her off, and sounded a little bit hurt. He became slightly sadder when he remembered the long days spent in the infirmary by her side, and even longer nights spent alone, alone in the darkness, hoping, praying that (Y/N) will be all right.  
“You see, I know it was awful for you, and me too, but after I woke up at… 4a.m., was it? And I saw Luke all concerned and relieved at the same time he told me that you sat there every day and sometimes even night, and you refused to train until I woke up. You barely ate, and talked even less than usual. And all that made my heart skip a beat because while I already knew you were my friend, this moment proved you are the best person I ever knew. And the expression on your face when you got the message that I woke up and ran to the medical center. Biggest, beautifulest and the most relieved smile I have ever seen. I mean that.”  
Ben, shocked and slightly embarrassed finally muttered a soft “I never knew he told you-“  
(Y/N), being the very energetic and spontaneous person she was, jumped up and didn’t answer, just smiled mysteriously. She took his hand, pulled him up and guided him down the rooftop.

(Y/N) heard a fight going on, and also felt a sick feeling in her stomach that made her feel something was wrong. She ran, ran as fast as she could, around the corner of the temple, forward, and to the left, to a big courtyard. Finally she saw the two people fighting. Two young boys, about the same height, but one so much more familiar than the other. Ben. “Stop!” she screamed while sprinting towards the two figures, but when she got close she noticed that she was too late. The other boy, Jeth Keto, oldest enemy of Ben’s, had a knife drawn. Too late. She ran, and as she dashed she could feel tears falling from her eyes. “Too late…” was her only thought at the moment, and when she finally got to where Ben was she could see there was nothing she could do. All she could do was hold his hand and look in his lost, brown eyes, searching her face for help, even though he knew he wouldn’t make it. And finally his eyes closed for the last time, and there was nothing left….  
(Y/N) woke up with a gasp, feeling dried tears on her cheeks. Always the same nightmare, she was always too slow, always helpless and left alone in darkness… She looked outside. It was dawn, the sun was only waking up and rising slowly, blessing everything with it’s warmth. (Y/N) got out of bed and went out of her room, as quiet as possible, and sneaked along the corridor up to the last room to the left. She went in without knocking and sat on Ben’s bed where he was sleeping, unaware of her presence. He looked so peaceful, she hardly ever saw him like that. She lied down on the sheets beside him, scared she might wake him if she moved any further. But suddenly, all of her emotions overwhelmed her and she started crying, first just inaudibly shaking and letting tears fall, but after a while she started sobbing uncontrollably. After what felt like years, she felt an arm around her waist, holding her reassuringly. And so she stayed like that, and took Ben’s hand. She held to it as if she was holding onto dear life, and she just let herself drift away. 

Couple hours later, (Y/N) woke up, the feeling of Ben’s presence missing. She turned around and noticed a blanket covering her, his blanket. She got out of the bed and walked out of the room cautiously, carefully checking if there was no one to notice her running out of Ben’s room. She dashed to her door and quickly got into her own room. There was a note on her table, with a small, dried flower lying beside it. (Y/N) smiled to herself, and read the note that said: “I’m sorry that I left so early. Had to practice for today’s lesson. I hope your nightmare wasn’t as bad as the one last week. See you later, flower”. Ben always called her flower, maybe because she loved flowers, maybe because she liked having flowers in her hair. Either way, she loved when he called her that. (Y/N) took the dried flower and put it on her nightstand. 

After having a fast breakfast (Y/N) went to a tree that stood near the temple, separated from the neverending forest surrounding all the buildings and facilities. She sat under it, and opened a book she picked randomly from the bookcase in her room, and started reading it. It was a rather slow-paced story about a Jedi mission on a planet far away from the one she was on now. She got bored quickly and headed towards the dorms section of the Jedi temple, picking up a few violet flowers on the way. 

In no time (Y/N) got to her door, and went into her room. What surprised her was the fact that in her chair sat Ben, and she instantly felt something was wrong. She put away the flowers and book on the table beside the chair, and crouched down to meet Ben’s eyes, still glued to her floor.  
“What’s the matter?” she asked with a hint of alarm in her voice. “Did someone do something to you? Was it Jeth?” she added, adding a little more strength to her voice. Saying the name brought back memories of the nightmare though, the same one she had been having for a long while now.  
Finally, Ben spoke. “He said it again. All the things he said before. All the awful things about you.” “You can’t let yourself be provoked so easily Ben, you know that, that’s what he wants you to do, he wants you to be angry and upset.” “I will not let him speak of you ever again! I’m scared what he might do to you, don’t you see? At this point he would do anything to hurt me, and the best way of doing that is to hurt you! I will never let that happen, (Y/N), never! If I can’t bear the mere thought of you being hurt, what would happen to me if I lost you? I can’t-“ (Y/N) leaned in and hugged him, hugged him tighter than she ever did. He kissed her forehead and let his chin rest on her head. She could hear him muttering “My flower, my small, precious flower…”, and blushed slightly. And they stayed like that, enjoying the peace and quiet, as they both knew how rare they got to experience those moments. After some time Ben shifted slightly, and (Y/N), thinking he wanted to leave, tried to keep him by her side a little longer by hugging him even tighter. But Ben did not leave, instead he reached for one of the flowers, still lying on the table, and put it in (Y/N) hair. She smiled to herself, and having all her feelings well up in her again, feeling of the pure joy, the anxiety , and the sadness, still left from the nightmare, she felt tears in her eyes, stinging and threatening to fall. She did not stop them, and they fell on Ben’s shirt, leaving small stains on it. He just embraced her again, and said nothing, as he knew he didn’t have to.

(Y/N) woke up crying again, from the same nightmare that was haunting her for months now. She got up from her bed, but she didn’t go to Ben as usual, she just slid him a note under his door that said she had the nightmare again and went to get some fresh air. Ben knew about the nightmare, and he knew, he could feel, that it wasn’t just a dream. He could feel a shift in the Force every time he thought about the nightmare, and he knew all too well what that shifting was trying to tell him. It was not a dream, it was a vision, and he knew it was a vision of what will happen soon, too soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff happens. I'm so sorry in advance for all the angst!

Every time she walked through the courtyard she was scared, scared that she would hear the distant noises of the fight, that she will run as fast as she can, and that she will have to hold Ben’s hand as light will leave his eyes… She was afraid of being too late.  
(Y/N)’s dreams tormented her day and night, and soon she looked like a shadow of her old self. She wasn’t energetic or bubbly as usual, she was exhausted. (Y/N) didn't sleep much these days, she didn't want to face the nightmares again. Even Ben felt away, as if he was drifting away from her, he didn't come to her room as often as he used to, he didn't speak much, he didn't look her in the eyes. She missed him, but she tried to tell herself it'll pass, that this is just a temporary thing, a “bad week”. 

Ben had a much worse week than she ever would've thought. Not only was (Y/N)’s vision haunting him all the time, but also people seemed to notice his bad mood and tried to use it to pick fights. It looked as if the whole galaxy turned on him, as if it wanted to make him feel miserable until the vision will come true and he will be free of the pain. 

After dinner, Ben decided to go to (Y/N)’s room, to finally see her and talk to her, to maybe finally relax. But as soon as he headed in the dorms’ direction, a figure crossed his path.  
“Who do we have here?” said Sarn, a good friend of Jeth’s.  
“Go away, Sarn. I’m not looking for a fight.” answered Ben in a hushed voice, making his intentions clear. “Leave me alone.”  
“And where would you hurry at this hour, Solo?” Ben cringed at the name, all memories of the day his parents left… no, abandoned him here flooded him. “But why am I even asking? Of course you are rushing to that pathetic little girlfriend of yours. She is the only one to want to talk to you, after all…” Ben felt the need to punch him, and to scream. He decided he didn't have time for that though, and tried to slip past the big boy in front of him. Ben knew he didn’t stand a chance, Sarn was at least ten centimetres taller, and much wider too. He was also two years older. Ben, struggling to keep a straight face, looked into Sarn’s eyes, and hissed quietly, but with a strength in his voice: “Leave (Y/N) out of this. I’m warning you.”  
“Oh are you now? And what will you do? Call your parents for help? Will your mother send her rebel fleet to obliterate me? Or will your smuggler of a father command his Wookie to rip my arms off?” Ben strived to control himself, but he knew he will blow up any moment.  
“Stop it. Now.”  
“Aw, did I hurt your feelings? Run off to your petty girlfriend then. Just try not to kill her in your next temper tantrum, it would be a pity to kill someone that pretty, I must say”  
That was the last straw. Ben looked into Sarn’s eyes again, but they were not the usual, sad eyes of his, now they were burning with hate and anger. The older boy smirked, waiting for Ben to attack. But he did not get what he expected, as instead of striking him, Ben just outstretched his hand, what surprised Sarn. Suddenly, he felt an invisible grip on his throat, growing tighter and tighter, slowly suffocating him.  
When Ben realised what he was doing, he couldn’t believe it. He let go of Sarn, who now looked up on him with pure loathing and disgust. He pulled himself up and to his feet, and sputtered with as much hate and anger as he could possibly could the four words that hurt Ben more than any other words he ever heard: “You don’t deserve (Y/N).” And with that Sarn paced away towards Jeth, who was watching the whole scene from far away. 

Ben sprinted as fast as he could to the dorms, and only stopped in front of (Y/N)’s door. He knew she was in there, waiting for him to come in as she was aware of his presence too. Finally, he looked down and opened the door, and even though she looked up at him he didn’t move his gaze from the floor. She stood up and walked up to him, and she cupped his face in her hands. She moved his head up so that it was directly in front of her, and her look was too piercing to look away. Ben slowly looked up at her, his eyes filled with sorrow and regret.  
“Ben, what is going on? What happened?” concerned and uneasy, (Y/N) tried to find out the reason behind her friend’s misery.  
“You… You should stay away from me, flower.” It was almost inaudible, but (Y/N) heard every word, and couldn't keep her anxiety inside any longer.  
“Ben. Speak to me. What happened?”  
“I… I did something bad, (Y/N). But it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are safe. And I’m afraid you are no longer safe around me.”  
“Did someone hurt you again? Who was it?” (Y/N) demanded, she felt as if she could explode. She wasn’t mad or angry, she was absolutely furious. “Tell me.”  
“It was Sarn. But for once he spoke the truth.”  
“What did he say?”  
“He said that you are not safe around me, and he was right.” Ben’s voice broke, and he looked as if he would cry any moment now.  
“Listen to me very carefully. You are the person that makes me feel like the most happy person in the world. Every time you try to cheer me up, or look into my eyes, or smile my heart skips a beat because those are the moments I live for. You make me feel safe, and I know you could never hurt me. I can’t imagine a life without you, and I hope I will never have to.” The last sentence dug into his soul like a dagger, and hurt him so much he clutched his chest as his knees gave in and he slowly collapsed on the floor. (Y/N) kneeled beside him, and stroked his hair as a small puddle of tears formed on the floor. After a long while she lied down beside him too, still gently stroking his black hair, her other hand on his shoulder. He picked his own hand up and softly caressed her cheek.  
The light was fully gone from the sky when Ben picked himself off the floor and kneeled on the floor. (Y/N) followed him, and took his hand, squeezing it reassuringly.  
They both stood up, and after a long moment of silence Ben embraced her, kissed the tip of her nose, and mumbled a quick “goodnight, flower” before he left to his room.

That night (Y/N) didn't have the nightmare, she got a good night’s sleep and woke up to feel the warm rays of sunshine on her skin. And even though it was the first time in stars know how long since she didn’t wake up crying, she felt… uneasy. She could feel something, like a small buzzing of the Force around her, as if it was a warning.  
She knew it was today, the day finally came, and Ben knew that too. And even though he didn’t tell her and tried to reassure her it was all a dream, she could feel it was a vision.  
And so she made a decision.  
She took a piece of paper and wrote a note to Ben, which as usual was slid under his door. She knew he would read it later as she could feel he was already in the courtyard, training.  
After breakfast (Y/N) was walking around the temple, and visited her favourite lonely tree where she would go to read. There were many flowers growing under and around it, the sight of which made her feel somewhat peaceful.  
She started wandering aimlessly, and subconsciously made for the big courtyard of the temple. And that's when she heard the sounds of a fight going on nearby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter is coming up soon. If you thought this was a lot of angst... Well let's just say you will probably kill me for what I'll do next. I'm sorry!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry...

She ran, ran as fast as she could, and prayed to the stars she wouldn’t be late, that she wouldn’t fail this time. And after she finally sprinted around the last corner, she saw the two figures locked in combat. She did not scream as she did in the nightmares, she just sped up even more. Ben was closer and closer, and if it was possible, she bolted even faster. She couldn’t let him die, never. And finally when she was just a step away, she pushed Ben away from the fight with as much force as she could possibly use, and she saw him fly away from Jeth, from the knife. She felt so numb from all the effort she couldn’t feel anything.

Ben fell down on a patch of grass about two meters from the fight, and instantly looked up with anger to see what caused such an abrupt stop to the brawl. His face changed right away when he noticed (Y/N) standing there as if she was glued to the courtyard floor. Her back was turned on him, and he started standing up from where he was currently lying, but stopped when she started turning around to face him.  
When she turned around, facing him, he looked in her eyes, but found nothing but sadness. That’s when she started coughing, coughing up blood. She tried to go to him, but she staggered and fell down on the cobblestone floor. Ben was horrified as he realised, during the split second he was completely paralysed, that the knife, now buried in (Y/N)’s stomach, was meant for him. And that’s when he darted up from the patch of grass and towards his (Y/N), his flower, now dying on the cold stones. 

Jeth stood there, unable to move or speak. “I-, I-…” he mumbled, but couldn’t think of anything to say. He just looked at the scene in front of him, thinking of how he just killed Ben’s small girlfriend, how he killed Ben’s only friend, his love. Jeth turned away and ran, dashed, bolted as fast as he could to run away from everything that happened. 

(Y/N) could feel the excruciating pain now that the adrenaline was gone. She could feel the knife, and she could feel the cool cobblestone she lied on. And she could also feel Ben picking her up, and saying something, but she couldn't hear what. She saw the lonely tree with all the flowers growing under it, and all that she wanted to do was to lie there, and look at the blue sky and the leaves on the tree.

Ben felt (Y/N) move slightly, and slowed down, trying to understand what she was saying. Stars, she was pale. She was bleeding, and the blood covered his hands.   
“There” she whispered so quiet he could barely hear, and she pointed her finger at the tree growing nearby.   
“I have to get you to the medical centre as fast as possible, please, hold on…” he said, but she looked at him with her sad, tired eyes, and softly spoke. “Ben… There is no use in going there, and you know it. Please, I’d rather stay here with you than die on the table with only the medical droid to see”  
With his heart being shattered, he run up to the tree and carefully placed her on the grass covered with flowers, so that her back was leaning on the trunk of the tree. 

He kneeled beside her, and took her cold hand. Looking into her eyes, now focused on his face, he tried to think of a thing to say, but he couldn’t think of anything that was comforting or reassuring. Finally (Y/N) spoke with a faint voice, and sometimes paused to wince in pain or cough. “It was never a dream, was it? A nightmare, something I made up? I knew it was a vision, and I couldn’t let it happen, ever. So I made a decision, that I will do what it takes to save you. I couldn’t live with the idea of me having to look at you, dying in my arms on the courtyard. You have always been a part of me, and if you died I’d die with you.” She faced away from Ben only to cough up a little more blood. He picked her up and held her as if she was sleeping in his arms and sat against the tree himself. She lifted her hand and started to stroke Ben’s black hair, oh how she hated to see him so worried and sad…  
“I won’t let you die flower, you can’t! I can’t live knowing it was my fault, that if I didn’t fight, if I stayed away from trouble, this would never-“ She tangled her fingers in his hair and kissed with all the strength she had left, and fell back into his arms. Still messing with his hair, she said “I’m sorry…” and buried her head in the crook of his neck.   
Ben remembered all the countless times she would stick flowers in his hair, or would braid them when they were alone in her room. He caressed her back, and closed his eyes. After what seemed like hours, (Y/N) leaned back in his arms and looked at him. He gently stroked her cheek, and kissed her forehead.   
Ben was lost. He did not know what to do to comfort (Y/N) even a little, so he did the first thing he could think of - he picked a flower and put it in her hair, which made her give him a smallest and saddest of smiles, but despite that, also the most honest one.

(Y/N)’s breathing grew laboured, and she felt dizzy from all the blood she lost. Her fingers, still entangled in Ben’s raven locks, felt numb. The world grew hazy, and she knew she didn’t have much time left.   
“Ben?”   
“Yes, flower”  
“I love you.”  
“I know.” She could feel tears streaming down her face, and rested her head on Ben’s shoulder. She felt tired, so tired..

(Y/N)’s eyes closed, and her hand fell limp to Ben’s shoulder. He did not believe it, she was gone, gone forever. He refused to accept that, he darted up with her still in his arms, and ran to the medical centre.   
They took (Y/N) to another room, and he saw the sympathy in the doctor’s eyes when he saw the girl with her abdomen all covered in blood. He asked Ben to go to the room next to the place they took her to, and a droid soon came in and examined him.

He didn’t remember much after that, just that after nearly an hour the same doctor came in and told him he was sorry, and that there was nothing he could do about his ‘friend’.   
Luke tried to talk about what happened to Jeth and Ben, but got no clear answers from any of the boys. He decided not to press, it was too painful and he knew it.

After spending almost three hours in the medical centre, as he didn’t want to go back to reality with no (Y/N), Ben slowly made his way to his room. He wanted to be away from everyone and everything, and just sleep.  
He finally walked up to his door, and looked across the hall to (Y/N)’s room, as if he expected her to run out to meet him. When that didn’t happen, he opened his door and walked into his room, only to find a small note slid under his door. He stood there for a good few minutes, staring at that note like it was a ghost. He picked it up, and read it.

“Dear Ben,  
What I’m about to do will not end in a good way. I realised things about the nightmare I’ve been having that slipped my mind before, and I will do anything to stop Jeth from harming you. 

Thank you for being such a good friend to me over all these years, from the day I started talking to you about fruit all those years ago. I hope you know that I love you, and I’ll love you until the very end. If you ever need to find me, just look up into the stars, I’ll never forget about you. I’m sorry for what will happen today, but it’s for the best. 

I’ll miss you.

Your flower, (Y/N)”

To the note was attached the dried flower he gave to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go! That's the end. I hope you liked it, and won't kill me for all the angst.


End file.
